The problem underlying an inability to complete is a lack of faith.
You lose faith, through your inability to commit to a concrete belief in your aim.
The unwillingness toward commitment decries fear of uncertainty: questioning that is natural to all.
If you give nothing solid to sustain your self, however, the goal will always slip between your fingers.
How to have faith, without envy, avarice, and impatience? How to move forward, free of desire?
I am filled with love for my eventual completeness.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Things: I refuse to learn
that a whole group of people don't mean it when they say they're sorry.
that following steps can bring you to the stoop of success.
that making mistakes will not ruin you.
that making mistakes can ruin you.
that I want what I give away.
that someone loves me.
that we all exist.
that following steps can bring you to the stoop of success.
that making mistakes will not ruin you.
that making mistakes can ruin you.
that I want what I give away.
that someone loves me.
that we all exist.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Tension
I knew there was a reason I used to meditate nightly.
A revelation came to me, while releasing the tension in my leg tendons. This is exactly what life consists of, in the realm of ambition. The tension caused by the calf, or hamstring, or quad, the intent to pull in any direction is the source of the pain, in stretching and in life.
The idea that any object at rest will stay at rest, and any object in motion will stay in motion is only a fundamental physical truth. Psychically and spiritually, there is no immobility, there is no total rooted-ness. We are all moving forward, to the side, wandering the maze.
Though I may see only stuck-ness today, there is still a tomorrow coming for me.
But, the idea that, in moving an object at rest, a life at rest, resistance (and suffering) is incurred is something to consider when looking at the psyche.
Out of my perceived stuck-ness, I've tried halfheartedly to yoke ambition and flog it till it brings me to where I think I want to go. But in doing this I only veer, like the person storming their way down a wrong path of the maze.
When I force myself to read this book or that, take this class or that, do this form of training or that, following only the mental goals I set, eventually I hit the cul de sac of "what now" with such force that it even overwhelms the pain of trying. I lay half-conscious, wondering why my life hurts so much. Why does everything seem to stand in my way?
Because my whole self, the parts that I've been ignoring in my quest for mental and physical accomplishment, stand in my way. The immaterial mystery of time and energy has been cast aside for superficial thought.
It is a lack of patience for life-time, life that is always in motion, no matter what direction and what speed, that causes so much tension.
The avoidance of suffering is impossible. It will always come your way at steady intervals. What tension and impatience do is speed up this rate of suffering.
At times, it's a worthwhile endeavor to be forceful and quick, tense and alert. But adopting it as a long-term strategy is the most painful life you could lead. The faster you move through suffering, the deeper and more abundant are your wounds.
Once the barrier to your next life stage has been brought down, it's time to relax and breathe into the moment, realizing that life is still moving; albeit at a slower pace than before. Your life will always be in motion. As long as you remain conscious of that, there is nothing left to fear.
Relax, and suffer patiently.
A revelation came to me, while releasing the tension in my leg tendons. This is exactly what life consists of, in the realm of ambition. The tension caused by the calf, or hamstring, or quad, the intent to pull in any direction is the source of the pain, in stretching and in life.
The idea that any object at rest will stay at rest, and any object in motion will stay in motion is only a fundamental physical truth. Psychically and spiritually, there is no immobility, there is no total rooted-ness. We are all moving forward, to the side, wandering the maze.
Though I may see only stuck-ness today, there is still a tomorrow coming for me.
But, the idea that, in moving an object at rest, a life at rest, resistance (and suffering) is incurred is something to consider when looking at the psyche.
Out of my perceived stuck-ness, I've tried halfheartedly to yoke ambition and flog it till it brings me to where I think I want to go. But in doing this I only veer, like the person storming their way down a wrong path of the maze.
When I force myself to read this book or that, take this class or that, do this form of training or that, following only the mental goals I set, eventually I hit the cul de sac of "what now" with such force that it even overwhelms the pain of trying. I lay half-conscious, wondering why my life hurts so much. Why does everything seem to stand in my way?
Because my whole self, the parts that I've been ignoring in my quest for mental and physical accomplishment, stand in my way. The immaterial mystery of time and energy has been cast aside for superficial thought.
It is a lack of patience for life-time, life that is always in motion, no matter what direction and what speed, that causes so much tension.
The avoidance of suffering is impossible. It will always come your way at steady intervals. What tension and impatience do is speed up this rate of suffering.
At times, it's a worthwhile endeavor to be forceful and quick, tense and alert. But adopting it as a long-term strategy is the most painful life you could lead. The faster you move through suffering, the deeper and more abundant are your wounds.
Once the barrier to your next life stage has been brought down, it's time to relax and breathe into the moment, realizing that life is still moving; albeit at a slower pace than before. Your life will always be in motion. As long as you remain conscious of that, there is nothing left to fear.
Relax, and suffer patiently.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I can't believe I'm alive
Back when I imagined myself to be psychic, I predicted that I wouldn't live past the age of 18.
Well, it's been three whole years, and I'm still not sure. On the one hand, I'm receiving sensual imagery from all sources but one, close to my life pre-personal apocalyptic prophecy. On the other, how do I know? I mean, living as a rock may have been similar to what I've experienced; I've witnessed days, nights, seasons, people walking by, conversation, a void of emotion and shows of incredible pliability. Well, maybe the last is more like the resin of a rubber tree, inanimate nonetheless.
I guess the question I'm forced to face is, do I believe that I'm still alive?
In order to believe, according to my own predictions, I'd have to refute the existence of a soul, the importance of spirit, and utterly reject my fancy ideas from when I was too scared to drive a car... I have been living as a dead vessel, waiting for someone else to fill me with a point.
I guess meditation sans guru, in a state of love and pride starvation probably had me thinking pretty morbidly at that age. But what I think I need to do is even more melodramatic. I need to kill my sad little self.
Not the self I am now. If I still choose to believe in all that hocus pocus divine purpose nebulae of thought, then that's impossible, as I'm already dead. I've already accomplished killing my future self in forgetting how to live lively. What this zombie needs to do is kill the creator of that horribly deceptive lie, that vindictive little girl who was tired of searching the walls for meaning.
I'm out of the hole, and now I can start walking in the sunshine and the rain.
Well, it's been three whole years, and I'm still not sure. On the one hand, I'm receiving sensual imagery from all sources but one, close to my life pre-personal apocalyptic prophecy. On the other, how do I know? I mean, living as a rock may have been similar to what I've experienced; I've witnessed days, nights, seasons, people walking by, conversation, a void of emotion and shows of incredible pliability. Well, maybe the last is more like the resin of a rubber tree, inanimate nonetheless.
I guess the question I'm forced to face is, do I believe that I'm still alive?
In order to believe, according to my own predictions, I'd have to refute the existence of a soul, the importance of spirit, and utterly reject my fancy ideas from when I was too scared to drive a car... I have been living as a dead vessel, waiting for someone else to fill me with a point.
I guess meditation sans guru, in a state of love and pride starvation probably had me thinking pretty morbidly at that age. But what I think I need to do is even more melodramatic. I need to kill my sad little self.
Not the self I am now. If I still choose to believe in all that hocus pocus divine purpose nebulae of thought, then that's impossible, as I'm already dead. I've already accomplished killing my future self in forgetting how to live lively. What this zombie needs to do is kill the creator of that horribly deceptive lie, that vindictive little girl who was tired of searching the walls for meaning.
I'm out of the hole, and now I can start walking in the sunshine and the rain.